She is in my trunk
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You are a genius and a whore.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
