What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
