i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize