Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
