No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
