Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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