i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
