The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
