I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
