He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
