cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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