she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
