They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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