I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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