Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
