I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
