She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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