my phone needs a breathalizer
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize