I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
