I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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