Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
