I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
