is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
