i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
