i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
