I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
