she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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