That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
