my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
