my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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