If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
