Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
