im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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