Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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