last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
