there's paper in my vomit.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
