Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
