I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
