I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
