Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
