Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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