I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
