I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
