Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
