OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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