I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
