Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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