i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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