Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You ruined the universe
Randomize
