I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
