All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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