Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
