I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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