Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
