Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
