But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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