Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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