I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
