he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize