She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize