my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Mom said you looked used
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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