***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
