does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize