My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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