all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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