K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
