Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Houston, we have a blender
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
